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[03 Oct 2013|12:05am]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

"But I'm running out of time. Colleges won't wait around for me to get better."
--January 2009

I want you to know that the view from up here is breathtaking.

Many mornings, usually after staying up all night writing papers or reading for class, I sit on the steps of Memorial Hill and look out at the vast landscape of the Pioneer Valley. Sometimes a shroud of fog blankets the mountains in the distance, meeting my delirious (and very sleep-deprived) gaze. Autumn in Amherst is always a spectacle; walking around campus, my eye never fails to catch every withered leaf as it falls from a tree. In this ever-changing scenery, this reality is constantly in a state of becoming--a cycle that necessarily presupposes its decay. But at what point do you know that you've arrived?

I am due to graduate in December of 2014--the mid-year finish the result of the second-semester sophomore standing I received when I transferred in the Fall 2011. I took some time off to decompress and soul-search, pushing back that date even further. But to torture a cliche: I'm living in the now, a present in which I'm constantly growing and observing. You always were.

It wasn't without its obstacles and tragedies. You'll feel more love and pain than you've ever had to bear before you're on your way, and then some once you've departed.

Better isn't relevant, because t
ime will forever elude you.

Even now, I don't see any end in sight.

[13 Dec 2007|07:22pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

Hey . Yeah. It's snowing very badly out. Or at least I think it is, I haven't looked out the window for awhile. Icy streets. School was canceled today and we should at least have a delay tomorrow... I think we're going to get another cancellation. The streets are just terrible. My nose hurts and my belly is rumbling. I took a bubble bath today and cleaned. I'm actually drawing, too. I'm thinking I may attempt to use oil pastels. It's very messy and last time I used them it came out so bad. But I'm going to think positive. I have to stimulate the third eye. What's up with bands using numbers in their band name? It's so corny. Unless it actually means something... and it usually doesn't. More websites and forums should have a spell check. It would be so wonderful. Oh yeah, I totally forgot about this. We got the donations to charity started at the forum! I put it together with the help of some other people. I was given lots of kudos for getting this together even will all the clashes of suggestions. I'm just glad that I did something for people or creatures less fortunate this X-mas.


[08 Dec 2007|03:06pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

I feel kind of shitty this morning. Actually its early afternoon, but I just woke up an hour ago. I had weird dreams. One of them was about keeping another rabbit in my house for a short period of time... and a day later when I came back there were tons of buns running around. Apparently in that short period of time the bunnies kept mating. I found a lot of dead ones babies. Some got smashed behind a couch or were stepped on. So that made me a little upset. I woke up around 8 and hung around until I went back to bed. Janet and Jay said they were going to treat me and Chris to a dinner at a really nice restaurant for my birthday. I really want some shit. Janet isn't answering my calls, or returning them. It's getting late. It snowed last night. I just had low-fat milk with my cereal because I have no more soymilk and I think I might get sick. I need to bathe. We're trying to organize a donation to charity over at Litany but no one is really responding besides a few.


[28 Nov 2007|03:58pm]
[ mood | angry ]

 I have a doctor's appointment for tomorrow at 9:30 a.m. to discuss these dizzy spells I've been getting. People from the forum were urging me to do it, and Brian sent me a few messages telling me to get checked because he was worried. It makes me feel special in a way that these guys care. They're super cool. 

Today I remembered a video I saw a few months ago of a snake eating a rabbit. What did I do? I put myself through the torture of watching it. People are buying rabbits from pet stores or shelters to feed to their fucking pet pythons. Don't get me wrong, I like snakes. I think they are absolutely fascinating and I've always wanted one but my parents don't like reptiles. But keeping a "Near Threatened" species from the endangered species list in captivity for our entertainment isn't that less fucked up than buying a rabbit to send it to its death. Pythons belong in the wild, period. As a matter of fact, after I took home Mishky I really thought about things, I think that animals should stop being bred to be sold as pets altogether. Instead they should stop selling them, and they should be put in well-maintained shelters to be put up for adoption until they all have homes. Eh... I don't know. I'm done.


[27 Nov 2007|12:07am]
I "fainted" again today. I'm not sure if it's really fainting, because I never fully lost consciousness. I've also really fainted when I was eight years old, and it was nothing like that. I had just gotten out of the shower and I was staring at the mirror, and the next thing I knew I was on the ground and staring at the base of the toilet. Today I got up off of my bed, and when I did this I felt normal light-headedness I sometimes feel when I stand up after sitting, but then it got significantly worse. Everything got fuzzy (for lack of a better term), and I feared that I was going to loose my balance so I let myself fall over onto my bed. At this point I had lost my vision for a few seconds and my right arm started to become numb. It's obviously just orthostatic hypotension because it happened after I stood up. This has happened to me for many years but it never this severe and it kind of worries me.

Anyways, I'm going to NYC with my mom and my grandparents tomorrow to see a holiday performance at Radio City Music Hall. It was their idea but I guess it is going to be fun. I like traveling and I like New York. After the show we're going to walk around and then go to Carmine's.

Never was anything worth to be lost in this war in the first place [26 Nov 2007|01:01am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

Bah. I wanted to post but now I really don't. I'm just cranky and sleepy right now, and I wanted to transfer some pictures onto my computer but I can't find the box for the camera that I keep the cord in. The girl at Starbucks messed up my peppermint mocha latte. There was no peppermint in it and the chocolate was starting to get nauseating. I normally wouldn't care, but it's a fucking $5 cup of coffee. I didn't say anything anyways because I hate to be a pain in the ass. I went to the gym this morning for like, 20 minutes. Then I thought that my head was going to burst so I left and felt kind of dizzy while driving home. That's what I get for sitting on my ass for days and days. But I finally started to set up my iPod today. My sister Jenna and my dad gave it to me as an early birthday gift, I guess. One day they just came home and handed me a Best Buy bag and said, "Happy Birthday." That was kind of awkward but I was excited. I've never had an iPod. Before I had been thinking about getting one because I felt like I would get to listen to music more, and I wouldn't risk damaging the original discs. I've been slacking in the listening department for some reason. I just hope that this thing will hold my entire CD collection. It's 4gb. Not that I fully understand what that means.

1 comment - comment

[24 Nov 2007|01:39pm]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]

The symptoms of my current physical condition are driving me nuts. It makes me want to tear my hair out! I can't manage to pacify it, either.


[23 Nov 2007|11:13am]
[ mood | lazy ]

So yesterday was Thanksgiving, obviously. I woke up at 2 p.m., so I slept the morning away. I wasn't too excited about eating because I'm not eating dairy or meat now. It's unfortunate because I love food. My mumsy made me a few side dishes for myself without any of the forbidden ingredients. She made stuffing which was pretty much bread goo with celery and carrots, corn without butter, plan mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, and I had some cranberry sauce. Later on in the evening I gave into temptation and tried this stuff called "monkey bread." It's pillsbury buttermilk biscuit dough cut into four pieces, and put into a ring cake pan with loads and loads of brown sugar, cinnamon, and melted butter. To eat it you just take off little chunks. It's sooo good. I've been picking on it all night and this morning. But last night I became ill from a rather humiliating condition that I'd rather not speak of, only that I walked out of the bathroom in tremendous pain and started to become light headed. It felt like I stood up to fast... but the fuzzy vision didn't go away, and I grew more and more confused. Within two second of stepping out I lost my balance and fell to my knees, where I lost my vision completely and I hunched over so my head was on the floor. As my mind was struggling to recover my mom was calling me but I wasn't answering her correctly. I laid on the floor for a few more minutes and then I carefully crawled down the stairs. That was a little unnerving.

I don't know what today holds for me. I plan to clean up a bit and maybe do something with Chris. I haven't seen him in a few days. Recently I told him that I was considering ending our two year relationship completely because I just can't take it anymore. We fight constantly. I don't enjoy myself when I'm with him, and I don't enjoy talking to him. I hate it. Having a conversation with him is always a fucking project. He suggested that we see each other less, so I'm willing to try it. I don't want to leave him, but I think it's best for me and my future. Yesterday I told him that we would do something today. Hopefully we won't just sit around at his house while I sit annoyed all night while he acts like an ass after the 6 beers he has. I can't even drink because I've been driving to his house. It would be great if we can actually go out and so something. I don't even care... the movies, dining out, window shopping, taking a walk at the beach... just something. We isolate ourselves too much. I think for the majority of the day I'll just sit around and play the Sims 2.

10 comments - comment

[21 Nov 2007|03:47pm]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]

I didn't even bother going to school. There was really no point to going for 2 hours and then leaving. We aren't doing any assignments today at all, either. In the morning I emailed my Good Earth paper to Web so hopefully he got it. It was good to get that work off of my chest.

The rabbit is peeing all over the cage again... it's frustrating as hell. He always uses the litter box, so I don't understand why he's doing it. Maybe he's spraying. Rabbits do that too when they become sexually mature. I'll just try to clean it out and get rid of the soiled bedding outside of it. 

I'm so hungry. I had really bad digestion pains this morning as well, so I'm a little uneasy about eating. If I get too hungry I have a microwavable indian dish with a mild coconut sauce that I can look forward to.


Back again. [21 Nov 2007|05:57am]
[ mood | restless ]

So after years of absence, I've decided to return to the world of on line journals. I think it's to "get myself out there," or whatever. Lately I've been isolated and I want to change that in some ways. This can also improve my writing, because I haven't used it for a long time. I've decided to make this mostly public with the more personal entries friend's only. LiveJournal isn't really popular anymore. I predicted the domination of MySpace in one of my last journal entries in my old one... and I was right. I don't think any of my friends use these anymore. I actually am perfectly okay with this, because I don't think I want people very close to me reading these things. I don't plan on talking a lot of shit, but I might not want to reveal certain information to certain people. People I don't know in person are welcome though, as long as they seem like decent people.

I think I left in the first place because outside opinions almost made me feel guilty for maintaining a journal. I don't remember exactly what I heard, but "attention needy" comes to mind. It disapoints me that the customize journal page is so different. Give me S1 any day! Love me some "Generator," and I've always have.

So anywho, I should start rambling on about my life, shouldn't I?

Janet, one of my best friends since I was 12, picked me up last night with our effeminate arabic friend, Wajih. After picking up a peppermint mocha latte at Starbucks, Wajih dropped up back off at Janet's and we watched that Tila Tequila show. Saturday night after we got high, we sat on her bed watching that show and got all excited when these two girls started fighting. Then it ended with that "To Be Continued..." b.s., so of course I had to see it. So we planned to meet up when the next episode aired, because we're dorks. When she dropped me off tonight, she said, "See you next Tuesday. At 10." It's pretty funny. I don't get to spend much time with her anymore, so I embrace it anyway.

Today is a half day of school. Since I'm on a modified schedule and I show up for second period and leave after fifth, I'm going to be leaving at like 10:15. It's kind of silly to even bother showing up... but I'm not going down that road again. I woke up after snoozing for three hours, and I sat in bed for awhile pondering about random things. Sometime during this I started to jones, badly, for some white. I haven't felt that way in a long ass time. It scares me, because now I probably have the connects. I don't want to get into that shit again. But the more I thought about it, the more I desired it, and before I knew it my heart was racing. I can't even remember what it feels like exactly. I just know I felt almost confident. I felt beautiful, and I talked more than I had ever talked. Every sentenced that came out of my mouth sounded like poetry to me. And for a change, I was productive. I loved the person it made me. After awhile it wasn't worth the guilt or the holes in my pockets, so I ended it reluctantly. I realized that I was wide awake now, so I went on the message boards a bit and browsed a few sites to calm down. Soon enough it was 4:45, and I saw Mishky, my bunny, sniffing around in his cage looking for attention. So I let him out and watched him run around the room and jump on the bed. Of course, after awhile he started being an asshole and crawled underneath the dresser where there are a bunch of wires, so I brought him back to his cage. I need to find a way to block of hazardous areas for him. Ideally I would like him to have a complete run of my bedroom, or even the house, without worrying about wire dangers or him crawling under something where he is out of my sight. Eventually arrangements will be made.

Later on when I get home I'll probably try to modify the appearance of this thing. More than likely with the slimmer tables and striped borders, like I always did.


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